beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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