I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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