I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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