I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
