Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
