And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
