I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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