listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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