Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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