Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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