dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
