It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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