positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We left an ass print on the piano.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
