she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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