to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
