You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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