just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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