he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
