So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Drunk is not a location!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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