I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
