I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
