Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
