I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
