woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
