you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
