i think my tv is drunk
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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