He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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