He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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