i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize