I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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