TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
