Your face is a jimmy john
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
