I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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