Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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