foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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