woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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