so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
