the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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