Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
