Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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