bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
