His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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