She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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