your parents love me but you hate me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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