Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
