I met the friendliest cop last night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Panties = found
Randomize
