you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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