Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
