i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
