So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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