I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
