My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
