Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she told me i tasted like america
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
