some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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