I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
