If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I AM VODKA MAN
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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