twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
there is glitter all over my balls
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
