your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
