in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
