Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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